We lost our baby (Part 3)


I haven't really gathered my thoughts enough for this post to sound coherent, but hey who says you have to wait for that eureka moment before writing down what's in your heart, right?

Maybe I will just keep this under my personal file... forever saved under the drafts folder for my eyes only to look back on what happened years from now...

It's August 7 today and well, I hope I can say all is finally well and my body has fully recovered, but that's not what happened. So no, I am not yet OKAY.

I bled out last Friday night, and was hoping that the baby passed out smoothly and with no trace 6 days after but as per the ultrasound results yesterday, there were still "products remaining from conception."

We were really praying that we don't need to go through D&C anymore but looks like we don't have a choice if there will still be traces left found next Tuesday.

Next Tuesday.

Yup, that's the deadline our OB gave us because it's been more than a month already and it's been too long. Waiting longer may be detrimental to my overall health already. Especially since I already fainted when I bled out last week. 

Flashback: July 31, the night I bled out

There really was a lot of blood that night. I started contracting around 7:30pm. At around 8:30pm I went to the bathroom because I already started staining my shorts. So I sat at the toilet for about 20minutes so the blood was going straight to the toilet (TMI much) and I actually haven't seen the fetus and maybe I couldn't differentiate it at that time anymore because there were a lot of blood clots coming out of me already.

Then I called Dennis and he helped me changed into adult diapers and led me to the sofa so I can lie for the rest of the night. Was it painful? It was like really bad dysmenorrhea but honestly, it wasn't really painful like sharp pains. Para kang natatae, at nagccramps. What was difficult was that my legs, balakang, and back were hurting... nangangalalay na sila so I would switch positions and ask Dennis to massage my back from time to time.

I researched and it said there that the heaviest bleeding is usually 3-5 hours. It was already 11pm and I was waiting for that twisting pain that some warned me about when the fetus would pass out, but there was none. I just continuously bled and around 11:30pm, I felt that the cramps were subsiding. It subsided enough for me to sleep at around midnight then woke up at 1:30am.

In my mind, I was thinking it's been 6 hours already and the fetus has not come out yet. I heard about missed miscarriages which lead to D&C so I was worried that was what happened.

At 1:30am, I woke up Dennis and asked him to helped me get to the bathroom so I can change diapers. I washed and Dennis was helping me in my new diapers when I started to feel dizzy... "Babe nahihilo ako..." then that was the last thing I remember.

The next thing I know, I was lying on Sophia's playmat in the living room and Dennis was standing over me. I got disoriented and thought I was dreaming because I knew I was lying on the sofa minutes before. So I started to sit up but then Dennis stopped me. motioned me to lie still and told me to INHALE, EXHALE...

"Nahimatay ako?" I asked.

So apparently nahimatay nga ako. I have experienced this before when I become too tired and feel my blood sugar will shoot down, so I told him that I think I need something to eat. So I ate a banana while lying down and drank water.

I felt better after that then slept with Dennis checking my pulse and my heartbeat regularly to make sure I was okay.

The next day, we had to go have our ultrasound to check if everything was okay. That morning, while I was eating corned beef, eggs, and milk -- still sitting on the mat and being handed everything because I was advised to not move so much... I felt tears streaming down my face. I felt weak and naawa ako sa sarili ko...

I think this is what's difficult for moms who went through a miscarriage. it's the mental, emotional, and physical turmoil... and in the end, you're just waiting for it to be over because well, you're not having a baby. You're not thinking "This will soon be over but it will all be worth it in the end..." It's not a delayed gratification kind of thing because at the end of it, the baby is dead so there was no glorious light at the end of this tunnel. Just you, traversing through the darkness grappling and waiting...

Flashback padin: August 1

That morning, we received good news. There were still some products left but they will most likely be flushed out in the next few days. Whew! Yaaay so no raspa most likely! Praise God!

Back to the present: August 7

So after 6 days of waiting, we were hoping to be cleared...I saw the monitor and had a feeling that it was clear, but the sonologist said that there was still something left inside--"meron pa pong natira"..

What? Akala ko okay na... were my thoughts as I went out of the ultrasound room...

So minutes later, I found myself crying again, this time because of disappointment. So that was it, we have 5 days left for everything to be flushed out, I was given meds to contract again but if by Tuesday, there's no improvement, I would have to go through raspa on the same day.

Right now I am not sure how I feel...

Dennis and I were praying last night and I didn't feel like praying for everything to be cleared by Tuesday, but I didn't say that anymore... Andun na ko sa point na "Lord, ikaw na bahala" and sa point na ayaw ko nang humingi kasi ayoko nang madisappoint and I just want to get this over with... And ayoko din humingi kasi baka magtampo ako kapag hindi binigay, eh alam ko naman God doesn't owe me anything... So I don't ask anymore...

So I don't know, is this giving up? Not having enough faith? entitlement? Or surrender?

So sabi ko nga, I just want this to be a dump of my thoughts at hindi ko pa talaga yan naproprocess nang maayos...

So today is August 7 and we will find out what happens on August 10...

3 more days...