We lost our Baby... and I had Covid (Part 4)
"O baka naman positive pa ko sa Covid niyan ha..." I jokingly told Dennis before I had my swab test last week.
We just finished my ultrasound for the nth time to see if I still need to undergo raspa and was given a deadline by my OB that if by the following week there would still be remaining products of conception, then I need to go through raspa...
I was already sad with that news so imagine how shocked I was when the swab results came out and I found out that, on top of everything we were dealing with, I was indeed covid positive.
Ngayon pa talaga?
Ako talaga ulit?
Feeling Job the second
I couldn't believe it. We were still recovering and processing our miscarriage, but there was another challenge that we had to face.
I honestly felt like I was Job that time, receiving one bad news after another... pero hiyang-hiya naman si Job sa pinagdaanan niya sakin diba.. Walang wala naman to kumpara sa mga nangyari sakanya..
But last week was really so tough for me, I felt like I was at the point of being numb and hopeless... I am naturally a positive person but that time was really dark for me and so many lies were being thrown at me by the enemy and I felt really low...
I wish I could say, I held on to my faith and was unfazed by the whole thing like a good and faithful Christian but sa totoo lang, nagtampo ako kay God.
I didn't want to feel those emotions kasi nga dapat good Christian tayo diba.. and because I know that God doesn't owe me anything, I stopped asking. I also didn't felt like praying anymore because I didn't want to feel any more disappointments...
So I was at that point na "bahala Ka na, Lord..." but to be honest, it was not a beautiful act of surrender, but more like a little kid sulking in the corner kasi hindi binigay ni Lord yung prayers niya...
But even though I tried to keep it in, bitterness was brewing inside of me...
I didn't know what to make of it honestly.. hindi ko na madifferentiate yung emotions ko... alam ko lang may mali, pero hindi ko mapinpoint yung nararamdaman ko..
Getting out of the Pit
It was only when someone pointed it to me that naliwanangan ako, that's when I realize what was growing inside of me was bitterness...
After sulking for days, I realize that there were still so many things to be grateful for despite how ungrateful I had been:
1. I was asymptomatic. (totally no symptoms since day 1)
2. I have a supportive and loving husband who is there for me.
3. I was home quarantined so I still get to see my baby.
4. Friends and family were continuously praying for us and sending us love packages...
5. Everyone else tested negative in the house (which I didn't know how it happened because our house is really small, so the chances of at least one other person in the house to also contract covid from me were very high)
In the days that follow, I was able to take a good look at my heart and feared that I am growing a stone cold (yeees, thank you demi lavato) and hardened heart... I see people who have gone through a lot and while they have survived, it has also left so many scars on them and they grow jaded, with less faith in Jesus and slowly slipping out of the cracks of the church community...
And I don't want to be like that...
So I prayed that God will restore in me that child-like faith.. and that He will make me as new as before... I want to be how I was before all of these happened. I want to keep asking, keep praying knowing that I have a big God who can and is able to work things out for my good, who loves me so much... who is good, and kind...
I want to believe in all of those afresh...
And at that point, I felt God asked me again "what is your desire? what do you want, my child? ask me for it..."
Keep Knocking on Heaven's door
And so I prayed once again: "Lord, ayoko po na maraspa. I know you can create a miracle in my body to take out what is not supposed to be there and to restore my maternal health to full, I asked for this Lord."
And I also asked my friends to stand with us in prayer... I have asked them countless times to pray for the past month but seeing one prayer unanswered after another, I didn't feel like asking them to pray anymore kasi parang sama-sama pa kaming nadidisappoint (see how hard my heart has grown?)
But I remembered this verse:
Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.Matthew 7:7
Keep on knocking on heaven's door. So I asked, prayed, and believed.
The moment of truth has arrived. The day of our ultrasound to find out if I still need to go through raspa or not. It has been more than a month since we received the news that we lost our second baby, so this was already long overdue. Raspa is usually done by 3rd or 4th week upon the baby's demise.
But I start to wonder: maybe God's delay is telling us something?
Hindi ko na alam ika-ilang ultrasound ko na nun, suki na po kami... kilala na nga ako nung sonologist eh... lol but out of all the times I have been there, this was the only time the sonologist was quiet.
No hints, no statements, or questions giving away my condition...
So when I stepped out of the ultrasound room, Dennis and I were left in suspense for about 20 minutes before we received the results.
And when we opened the envelope, it was there! CLEARED! "Unlikely to have remaining products of conception" and everything was normal -- my ovaries, my uterus, everything!
I was getting teary-eyed once again but this time for a different reason, I was relieved, thankful, and praising God for how faithful He is.
This was my message to our Leadership Group the day we found out:
I know that a lot of people are going through a lot today, everywhere in the world someone is hurting, on top of a global pandemic that keeps on mutating (how do we kill you virus, let me count the ways...), there is war in Afghanistan, there's an earthquake in Haiti... I hope we stand together in prayer and keep on knocking on heaven's door with our fervent prayers.